Morenita Ramblings

Always wanted someone to sing me “Creep” by Radiohead. -Yup.

[old photo !]

I always wanted someone to read aloud to & them do the same to me. Someone to listen to great jazz & blues records with. Drink whiskey with & attempt to cook for. Visit museums & save up our pennies to travel to the big apple. Someone to lounge lazily with around the house on Sundays. Someone to have silly & big arguments with. Discuss religion without getting weird & complicated. Someone to snap Polaroids of! ;] They’d be by most favorite subject. Someone to teach me stuff. They must be out there! Un gran dia nos encontraremos. <3

I received a text from a friend that I’ve loved [as in LOVE love. That crazy love where you move mountains just to see them. -well, loved him on & off throughout the years] today. It was so sweet & I thought to myself; why can’t he just see how much I love him? Why can’t we just be together? Why why why.

It’s a cycle. A new love interest comes in his life & it stings; it shatters my hope. I cry a little, feel sorry for myself for one or two days & then accept it all over again. I don’t know how it’s possible to be this way, but I am. I’m not as crazy about him as I used to be [at least I’ve convinced myself I’m not].

It’s kind of sad, to be honest. I try to remember what my feelings felt like & I can’t totally recall them anymore. I don’t want to read stuff I wrote when I was high on the possibility [more like THOUGHT/wish] of one day ending up with him. -It’ll just depress me. It was nice though. To be so loving like that. 

My only regret is not telling him when I felt it. When I felt like I was going to pop from holding all my love inside. Squishing, twirling it all inside me. Now what good did that do? Keeping it all to myself? -not a damn thing. It’s been said time & time again; but.. if you love someone & can’t live w/out them, you gotta tell them.

Now; I’m just awaiting the next cycle where I fall head over heels for him again. Cause I know it’s bound to happen. -Maybe next time; I’ll be more mature & confess. & then make out like teenagers.

In the meanwhile, I’ll just.. be. Keep learning about myself, the world.

I can’t stand people that think they’re better than others cause they knew about a band before that band got popular. Who fucking cares? What matters is that we both like the music. Not how you found out about them. -get over yourself.

Got high with my best friend tonight. -I’ve been wanting to, although I think the stupid movie [dream house] we watched kinda killed it for me. I still feel it a little, but not like I want to be. I’ve been sad about my friend passing. Not an “excuse” I am genuinely sad about my friend.

I keep wondering what it’s going to be like to see her body in a coffin. Will it be open? I haven’t actually seen her in almost two years, I think. Probably more. I also kept thinking how marijuana is possibly the best aphrodisiac ever? Not if you smoke everyday; then you’ll just become totally lazy, but once in a while… smoke some herb & feel like getting & giving some loooove. Also, I am not proud to say that I was tripping out very badly with the fear of swallowing my tongue since I can’t really feel my mouth.

I don’t know. It was weird. Paranoid/amateur stoner, eh.

While exiting a busy fast food joint, my friend eyed me & up down & asked, “Do you remember when you wanted to be a writer?” -I was taken aback a little cause I didn’t think anyone would remember that. I shyly smiled, looked down & responded with a self-conscious nod softly saying, “Yeaaa”. She continued the interrogation with a “what ever happened to that dream, huh?” I somewhat got a hold of my self-conscious paranoid feelings & replied with, “Yea. I did, but like many other people who once wanted to be a writer, I realized that… I have NO life experience! What the hell would I ever write about? I’d have to be like the rest of them & move to a bigger city than Los Angeles; a busy city like New York or even some third world country & hope to get some experience? That or date some crazy meth head guy, turn a Nun into a confused sexual being or something along those lines…” haha. We had a good laugh about that one. —I still wonder though.